A woman wrote in a parenting advice column after she and her husband adopted her SIL twins.
“My husband and I became parents thinking we would like to have three or four children,” she begins.
“My first pregnancy had some serious complications at the end, but my doctors agreed that a second pregnancy was still appropriate with some precautions. My second pregnancy was horrible and eventually led to a hysterectomy when the baby was born.
“Last year, when our children were three and four, we decided to explore adoption and/or fostering as we felt like we still had room and love for more children in our lives.”
At the same time, her sister-in-law got married and became pregnant with twins. Apparently, she had “never expressed much desire” to have children and was definitely “stressed” to find out they were twins.
The poster continued: “When the twins were about six weeks old, they all came to stay with us for a weekend to attend SIL’s friend’s wedding, during which we agreed to watch the babies.
“They ended up texting around 11pm that they’d had more to drink than they’d planned and the party was going on, so would we mind if they just got a hotel room and we continued to watch the babies during at night? We were fine with it.”
“We adopted twins”
Two weeks after the wedding, they asked to come back to visit family. They told the couple that having twins was “significantly more difficult than either of them had imagined” and “they really missed their old lives and being able to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted”.
“They said they knew we were considering adoption and wondered if we would take their twins,” the OP wrote.
“They thought it would be the best solution as they could continue to see them and be involved in their lives (if convenient). My husband and I were shocked. We spent the next month talking to them more about it and went to multiple counseling sessions with them.”
“In the end, we worked out a legal agreement, and they gave up parental rights and we adopted the twins.”
The woman said they “absolutely love the babies and feel like our family is complete now,” but now, she doesn’t know how to interact with her brother-in-law and SIL.
“I lost all respect for them when they basically admitted that their kids were a nuisance they wanted to get rid of. (When we asked what they would do if we didn’t adopt them, they said they were looking into other private adoption options),” she said.
“It’s been a year and everyone in my husband’s family acts like what they did was completely normal.”
The worst part for the woman is that she wants transparency with the twins, but no one else does.
A “strange” situation.
The advice columnist gave the woman some sage advice for her sensitive situation.
They advised: “Adoption can mean a lot of joy, love and comfort, but it can also mean trauma, confusion and anger.
“I foresee a lot of those last feelings for these twins, knowing that their birth parents (with whom they will presumably develop a relationship) saw them as concerns to be surrendered.
“On the other hand, keeping this important truth from them – one that is central to their identity – is likely to feel like a betrayal once the twins inevitably find out. You should do a lot of research on open and kinship adoptions to make sure you are making the decision that is right for your family and these twins.
“Then you will be able to inform the birth parents and the rest of the family how you will proceed with the discovery of the twins. Make no mistake: No matter what anyone else in the family thinks, this is ultimately your and your spouse’s calling as legal parents.”
What about her relationship with her SIL? Firmer boundaries about who the parents are will make things easier.
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